a representation of a flower

I had a conversation this morning about feminism and Orthodox Judaism and me. Someone wanted to know how I stand, or maybe where I stand, and why things do or do not happen here that may or may not happen other places.

How’s that for a convoluted sentence? I think she wanted to know why we do not push the envelope more completely, since we seem like we should be a group that does so.

So I told her that my venue is learning. I have zero interest in performance. I think that ritual is fine in and of itself, but it’s not what interests me in any way to make me motivated to get more involved.  So I can’t really relate.  And singing does matter to me, but not singing to prove something.  What is the motive for performance, I wonder? Is it to be like the boys or is it really Avodat Hashem, service to G-d ?

Yes, G-d gets left out of the equation too often.

She responded in the kindest of ways whether the issue was a matter of giving the benefit of the doubt.

I said I doubt it, but no, I’m already past that.

And then for whatever reason, I thought of flowers.

And being open and vulnerable and almost past their prime, but actually being completely that.

At their prime.

And so I thought about how I much prefer flowers these days when they are completely open. Completely done.

Before they’re done.

You know, sort of right before you need a haircut is when your hair looks the best.

Oh I do remember why I thought of flowers.

I told her that we had a Shabbat afternoon service for women years ago and it was lovely. Beautiful singing, no egos. It dissipated because the main leader moved away and I think I got busy with babies.

And it was nice, but I didn’t feel I needed it so much to recreate it.

So flowers?

Yes.

I said that my favorite prayer time throughout the week is this Shabbat Minchah afternoon service.

The day is almost done. I’m filled with a sense of completion, but also a sense of the future, of the promise of more Shabbatot to come.

And it’s short and so sweet.

Like a flower at its prime.

not so invisible disability

I have been thinking about people with invisible disabilities–women who have fertility problems, those with mental illness of all kinds, and then there are all the invisible diseases that affect so many around us, who do not want pity but a fair chance. I have been thinking about how to help them in the best way, in my communal and personal capacities, and I’ve been stumped, for the most part.

We can be an ear. I guess that’s the start.

And then there’s what Rabbi David Bigman says about the holiest place in the Jewish universe, the Aron Kodesh having nothing in the absolute middle of it, except the sound of G-d. And so we need to listen.

I’ve been thinking about the senses in general, how we can’t always clarify things for ourselves. When we’re in New York, in particular, and surrounded by so many languages, I find it’s easy enough to let all the sounds blur into well, just sound. Like Bnei Yisrael getting the Ten Commandments and stopping the listening and just going to hearing and turning G-d voice into a roar.

And then it’s like seeing signs in Chinese or Greek, or those languages I don’t read. It becomes art of sorts. This is a good thing, of sorts. Except when I have to pay attention. And then I have to call on all my senses to be sharp and that’s very tiring.

When we go out to the ocean or the mountains, I know I can relax and take in the beauty all around. Of course, you have to watch where you’re going, but that’s a nice kind of meditation of sorts.

Having to pay attention to holding all your stuff, where you’re going, who you’re with, well, that’s exhausting.

And so maybe that’s why I got sick?

Or is it that the massage that I had on Thursday drew out all the poisons and brought them into the forefront?

Or is it ISHI’s cold catching up to me?

I don’t do sick. I like to think of myself as not succumbing to these trifles. But every once in a while, I do have to admit I’m human.

Sooo

Thank G-d for Shabbos.

Thank G-d that we could switch our houseguest to somewhere else.

I’m really sorry that our niece wasn’t feeling well but thought she was well enough to go run off to be with her friends. I really hope that worked out and that she isn’t sorry she didn’t stay here.

But I’m really glad I could have the day to catch up.

I’m not feeling really better yet. I don’t have a voice back yet.

That may not be such a bad thing.

Hmm. I’m in a Simon and Garfunkel mode, perhaps.

Sounds of Silence, anyone?

So maybe I’ll post a few more photos from the sounds of New York.

so the ides was so two days ago

but I’d say beware the ides of February today.

And is “beware” much more than “be aware”?

Oh I think we can all agree with that.

Or perhaps not.

[Middle English ben war : ben, to be; see be + war, on one's guard; see ware².]

I’ve written about February being the cruelest month (here and here, with apologies to TS Elliot), about cabin fever that usually explains people’s malaise. But not this year, since it has been exceptionally mild, especially compared to last year. But do people think that way, anyway? Do they feel like they’ve got it coming to them?

I don’t know.

Today was exceptionally bad for all kinds of other people.

I sat with someone who has significant theological questions, about why so many things happen to her and how much can she take. I tried to tell her that the same bad things happen to a lot of people, although honestly, she has had more than her share, but it’s how they react that’s different. And when you are numb to problems for a long time, when you finally start feeling, everything is that much more painful.

And so she feels every single singe, bruise, and bump multiple-times worse than others do.

I can’t tell her that Shabbat will make her feel better.

I did tell her that it might.

And she left, feeling a little bit better, maybe a little bit stronger, and went to another meeting where she was totally bamboozled and felt how many times worse than before, because other people allowed her to be taken advantage of.

And when you don’t have control, what can you do?

You can find someone who will listen to you, so that next time, you will have a better chance of not letting the same thing happen again.

food anxieties

Ah being a host. The challenges of making someone feel at home, when they’re clearly not. I’ve written about dealing with other people’s food limitations before (here, if you want to revisit). And as I said there, ISHI has a whole boatload of food limitations, but clearly a small dinghy compared to others.

We had a couple with a yachtfull of issues today. They gave me a chart, what’s not okay and what’s good for them to eat.

Our Super Picky Diet – “But it won’t be like this forever”

GRAINS & STARCHES	PROTEIN	VEGGIES/FRUIT	OTHER
NOT GOOD TO EAT
Wheat	Tofu	Cranberries	Chocolate
Spelt	Beans incl. garbanzos (humus)	Melon	Fresh garlic, fresh onions
Barley	Tahini, sesame, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds	Grapefruit or oranges	Hot spices (black pepper, ginger, cayenne, curry)
Rye	Dairy (cow, goat, sheep)	Spinach	Soy milk, almond milk
Oats	Other soy products	Winter squash	Olives
Udi bread or other store-bought gluten-free bread	Nuts	Hot peppers (e.g. chili peppers)	Brewer’s yeast
	Lentils	Jerusalem artichokes
	Eggs	Raw tomato
		Pineapple and mango
GOOD TO EAT
Rice and rice noodles	Tempe	Lemon	Coconut
Quinoa	Chicken	Summer squash	All other spices
Potatoes	Fish (any kind but Haddock)	Apples, berries, pears,	Rice milk
Millet	Beef	Salads, sweet peppers
Sweet potatoes	Mung beans	Kale, broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, carrots, celery, parsley, coriander, fennel, peas,
Corn (in moderation)
		All other fruits and veggies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I printed it out. I had it on my recipe holder. I re-read it carefully to plan my menu and shopped. I also asked them for clarification–if you can eat tempe, and that’s made out of soybeans…

“Yes, it’s an anomaly.”

I’m not sure she used that word, but I was going with it. We had challah; they had rice cakes. But for everyone I made magaricz, my eggplant spread that’s made without sesame or tomato, pea soup, green salad (yay! they can eat hearts of palm!), a huge bowl of roasted veggies, including potatoes, sweet potatoes, swiss chard, broccoli, onions, mushrooms, salmon, and then I was making a huge pot of rice and red quinoa pilaf. I had sauteed the onions and mushrooms, added the tempe, added the rice and red quinoa and was letting them all get nice and cozy with each other. That’s when I usually add my shoyu (soy sauce), so I made sure that I had my bottle without any wheat and started pouring that in and then

did I scream out loud or just in my own head?

It was definitely very loud in my head.

(UPDATE: ISHI says I screamed out loud.)

Yes, soybeans are on the no good part of the list.

So what would you do?

I stopped the momentary panic, added the water and let that cook. I took another pot, added white quinoa and let that cook. I put salt in that one.

Today, before the meal, I told them what happened and they said, “Great! You used the non-wheat shoyu! No problem!”

“But soybeans???”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

So was the olive oil that I had poured on practically everything.

Except the brownies. I have to have something for me.

travelling again, but for a purpose unlike any other

Yup I’m all packed. In fact, I’m re-packed. I realized that my outfit for this coming Shabbat day would be a little too hopeful, so I had to find something a little warmer. It’s pretty bizarre, actually, going to southern California now in early December. It’s been so mild here on the east coast that it won’t seem like a break. Except that it’s supposed to get cold here when we’re gone.

But it’s been cold underneath the whole time, as my FIL used to say (although I never heard him say it; it was always filtered through ISHI.)

Except that I’ll be coming back to the winter without another sunny break, until I don’t know, June, as things are going now.

But the reason that we’re going is very different, as I alluded in the title above. My father asked ISHI to give a talk in memory of his mother. This weekend will be 75 years since she passed away.

Yes, my father was very young when she died; only 11.

I’m named after her.

My father said that he’ll pick me up about noon time and I should bring my appetite.

I can do that, sure, but I think I’ll bring something else. I’m actually bringing a lot of curiosity, too. He has always talked about his other relatives whom I never knew, or the ones I knew but only after they had their strokes.

I think I’ll try to find out a little bit more about his mother, this trip.

After all, TSA hasn’t figured out a way to disallow curiosity, Greek myths aside.

And thank G-d, it weighs very little.

things i didn’t think i needed to pack but oh well

To add to the previous list:

1. challah dough (why not?)
2. bread (no bread where we’re going without sugar??)
3. oh and my nutritional yeast, but I (almost) always remember to take that.
4. might as well take some cake, while I’m at it. And that takes the cake, whatever that expression means. (take the cake (third-person singular simple present takes the cake, present participle taking the cake, simple past took the cake, past participle taken the cake)
5. 1. [for some reason I can't get rid of the 5 above; please forgive my incompetence ](idiomatic, US) To be especially good or outstanding.Thanks! You guys take the cake.Once the party was over, everyone agreed that Elizabeth and her Harriet Tubman getup had taken the cake.
   2. (idiomatic, US) To be particularly bad, objectionable, or egregious. ^syn.I’ve seen bad grammar, but this takes the cake.)

The things we do for love.

maybe we should start calling them thou pods

Have you caught some of the flak that people are giving to Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan over his remarks against Steve Jobs? Is it too early to criticize the dead or does he have something here?

For example, here at Israelity:

Britain’s Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks has accused Jobs of playing Moses for the modern day, “coming down the mountain with two tablets, iPad 1 and iPad 2,” and laying down the foundations for a “consumer society.”

The result, Sacks says, is not positive this time. “We have a culture of iPod, iPhone, iTunes. It’s all i, i, i, nowadays. (But) when you’re an individualist, egocentric culture and you only care about ‘i’, you don’t do terribly well.”

…

Thanks, Jonathan, for bumming out my day, not to mention disrespecting the genius of Steve Jobs who undoubtedly had many more similarly debased tricks up his digital sleeve before his painfully premature passing.

Now to be fair, Sachs isn’t entirely off base. I fully agree that an overly consumer-focused society goes too far into making one pine away for what you don’t have, rather than being grateful for what you do. This is not a trivial problem by any means, and it’s certainly been an important subtext to both the recent Occupy Wall Street protests in the U.S. and our own social justice demonstrations this summer.

And Sachs solution – “the world of faith, which the Jews call the world of Shabbat, where you can’t shop and you can’t spend and so you spend your time with things that matter, with family” – is right on, whether you’re religious or not. In our house, when the Sabbath comes, we urge our family to do their best to unplug; to turn off the electronic devices, for at least those 25 hours a week.

We’re not always successful, but Sachs has got that one right, and it’s been a critical factor to our family’s cohesiveness. But that was no reason to go and dis Steve. And no matter what you say, Lord Sachs, I’m still buying that iPhone 4S, whenever Israel actually lets it into the country that is (see my previous post here).

One more point: Rabbi Sacks’ office has subsequently tried to tone down their boss’s comments, saying that, “The chief rabbi meant no criticism of either Steve Jobs personally or the contribution Apple has made to the development of technology in the 21st century.” He was simply “pointing out the potential dangers of consumerism when taken too far.”

And, the statement added, the Rabbi “uses an iPhone and an iPad on a daily basis.”

Jameel at the Muqata really gives it to him:

The “i” in “iPhone” is not intended to be “possessive” any more than an ophthalmologist is a label for a selfish physician who cares more about getting your money than caring for your opthamological health.

He also brings in criticism of Rabbi Nathan Lopes Cardozo when he says:

Looking at Modern Hebrew advertisements we see a rather disturbing change. No longer is it lach that invites people to buy various tasty foods, but li (me): Bisli, Prili, Kinley, Egozi, Ta’ami. In fact, one of the most recent advertisements beckons consumers with, “Tehe egoist ad ha-sof” (Be an egoist till the end).

But here on the Blog of Garnel Ironheart is a rebuttal:

But is Orthodox Judaism immune to this consumerism?  In the words of the immortal Al Bundy, “Uh, no Peg.”
Take a look at how our culture has become obsesssed with material goods. How many of us live in huge homes that we cannot truly afford but still manage to fill them with useless tzatchkes that we insist we cannot live without?  Look around you in shulor even at your own neck.  How much did that ornative tallis band cost?  In the last year I invested in a set of tefillin for my son and was told that the starting price for a set that I could be reasonably assured was kosher and met everyone’s standards – the starting price! – was $1300 and that to remove all doubts I was looking at close to $2000.
How much do we spend on bar mitzvah celebrations and weddings when a table with a keg at one end and a hot, steaming plate of wings at the other is all you really need?  How much do we spend on shteitls, suits and Borsalino hats to ensure we look just right when we go to shul?
Let’s bring Steve Jobs into this.  How many of us have an iPad with all the latest Jewish app’s because shlepping a Gemara around is so 1990′s?
In short, how much of our Orthodox life is necessary and how much of it is there only because we’ve deluded ourselves and want to keep up with the Jonesteins?

Well, which do you think I agree with?

that first early phone call in the morning

What does it bring up in you?

Maybe nothing. Maybe you are used to getting phone calls early.

I am not. I am used to somewhat polite people waiting until at least 8 am to call.

The phone rang the other day, early. I was still in bed. Not asleep, but still in bed nonetheless. And it was still early enough that ISHI was still at shul, so it was before 7 am.

Or somewhere around then; I don’t even remember if he got the call or did it go to the machine? I looked at the number and didn’t recognize it. That was enough to delay/allay the anxiety.

So why the great anxiety about a phone call? History. We’ve had too many early morning bad news phone calls, mostly shul-related, but some personal. Right now ISHI’s father is in the hospital. It’s been a week already. Usually when they call on Shabbat, the message that we run to listen to on the machine is pretty clear, “Your father is in the hospital being treated for so-and-so.” Last week, the/a doctor called and the message was “Please call me back.” Not immediately; not he’s back in the hospital, vague. So of course, I didn’t need to tell ISHI right when he came home as we were racing to run to an obligation that night. But of course, as he called, it became clear that things were not as usual.

As the week progressed, things went better and then dropped. Right now, there are so many ends of things wrong, and they had to have that meeting, “How much do you want us to do? What would he want?”

ISHI told them what Halakhah demands and, as far as what my FIL wants, at one point during the week, when he could sort of talk, he motioned that what he really wanted was a hamburger.

The guy wants to live.

well, click on it and see what i said while i was off-grid

That Irony loves to build on itself.

BTW, here’s the link for the article by Erica Brown on Sincerity and Authenticity in Teaching (I couldn’t read my own notes that I wrote, so I refound the link for all of us)

and here’s the link I mention that I had received that I was sending my friend. I did today when I could.

And we all do what we can, right?

once twice three times no lady

With apologies to Lionel Richie.*

The first time, I was rushing out to pick someone up, so I ate my veggie dinner so quickly that I chomped down on my molar and I knew I was in trouble. But that had to wait until Shabbat for the tooth to actually crack in half and come out. Thankfully, the part that came out was an old filling. So my dentist, whom I seem to need more often lately (see here and here, among other previous posts), was able to take care of it on Sunday morning with a temporary filling, awaiting my finishing of my summer program. “Yes, it can last up to 6 months, but certainly it will last 6 weeks.”

The second time was over last Shabbat. At some point, I realized I had swallowed the temporary thing. So my dentist met me Sunday morning, again, and filled it. Again.

And now, today, I did it again (no apology to what’shername). I ate a stale oatbran pretzel. And when I finished it, I realized I didn’t have that filling. Again. I swallowed it again. So my dentist now is away fishing (good for him!) and the one who is covering for him conferred with him and we all agree what’s the point?

I’ll have to get the crown in sooner than later.

So if I stick to soft mushy foods, will I be okay?

Hmm, kefir sounds just about right.

*“Three Times a Lady” is a 1978 single from the funk/soul band the Commodores, from their 1978 album Natural High.

In an appearance on The Early Show on June 12, 2009, Richie said the writer was inspired to write it by a comment his father made about his mother. Reportedly his father said to his mother “I love you. I want you. I need you. Forever” hence the three times^[1]

And here’s a really fascinating piece written about the imagery of the song title!

What’s the definition of a lady these days?

During our bible study last night the subject of Lionel Richie’s song “Three times a lady” arose in connection with a bible lesson about Ruth as an example of a young virtuous woman. When adults and youth were asked their definitions of a lady there were striking contrasts: Adults spoke of integrity, chastity and discipline. Youth spoke of tasteful dress, not being ghetto and education as standards. Adults said a lady would not accept gifts from a man; youth quickly said gifts could be accepted if they were not stolen. Youth never associated chastity or integrity as a criterion; they focused more on public appearances.

It soon became obvious that the definition of a lady has changed for this generation. The youth were on the verge of saying that being a lady may be best but ladies are not popular because ladies don’t sport visible tattoos, dress sexy, flirt or engage in the fun of gossip. They say being a lady is a downer but it is more respectable.

The Isley Brothers asked the question, “Who’s that lady?” and the bible points us to Ruth: A Lady by virtue of her loyalty to her husband, personal integrity and sense of decency in all matters.

Ruth 3:11 says, “… for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.”

Lionel Richie put it this way, “She’s once, twice, three times a lady.”

Regardless of age a true lady has three characteristics: A sense of responsibility, virtue and decency in all matters.

She’s three times a lady.