how late would you call a rabbi?

Or anyone else, for that matter?

When the phone rings late at night, my heart starts beating faster and faster until I see the caller ID, and then it slows down or not, depending on the number. I’ve written a few times now (you can look at this one and then go back through the rabbit holes, if you want) how I treasure that caller ID so much. In our line of work, it’s a valuable way to make technology work for us, and not the other way around.

There have been plenty of times when the phone has rang in the middle of the night or early in the morning for the saddest of reasons. And we needed to know. But need-to-know is the right approach on this one.

So the other night, when the phone rang at 11 p.m., my heart did the extra-beating thing until we looked at the caller ID.

I feel like outing this person, really, but I won’t, because then it will probably boomerang back to me, so it’s not worth it. I will just use my so-called anonymity to vent safely here.

Thanks for listening, by the way.

It was not a recognized name and he was calling from an out-of-town number, so we let it go to voice mail.

“I’m calling about a shidduch for so-and-so”….

Really???? At 11 p.m.? Something that I don’t believe in, anyway? If you want to find out about a person for the sake of marriage, meet them and get to know them! And don’t waste my time or my heartbeats!

The phone rings again the next night, about the same time.

This time, I pick up the phone.

Oh, by the way, I checked after the first late call to see if I’m mistaken–about not calling a home after 10 p.m., except for an emergency or a family matter. I’m not. A random sampling of phone etiquette (latest time to call a home) even now shows the same thing:

Most people would agree that you should not call a person’s house after 9 or 10 pm.

and

Generally, phone calls should not be made before 7:00am and after 10:00pm.

With that in mind, I’m not in a good mood.

“Hello?”

“Is Rabbi ISHI there?”

(Mind you, the same phone etiquette piece quoted above says

If you should have to break the 10:00pm rule than you need to have proper phone manners. By this I mean start your conversation with a statement like “I hope I didn’t wake you,” or “I hope I’m not calling too late.” This at least lets the person know that you are aware of the time and that you are not being inconsiderate. Furthermore have a good reason for calling at such a time. )

“Who’s calling, please?”

“It’s a personal matter.”

Now I decide to take off the gloves. I must admit I was not very kind, nor did I want to be.

“Do you realize what time it is? What kind of chutzpah do you have for calling this late? Is it an emergency? You have no right to call at this time!”

And I continued for a while. Or maybe that’s all I said out loud, but I thought about adding a whole lot more in my head.

And then I hung up.

He called back the next day actually a few times.

During daylight.

ISHI wasn’t home. I sure didn’t pick up the phone. I sure as anything wouldn’t give him ISHI’s cell. He’ll have to wait until we’re ready to talk.

this is too good not to borrow

This was posted on our shul’s listserve by no other than ISHI, but names changed, once again, to protect the clueless:

Someone who was at Shacharit this morning inadvertently took Rabbi Vine’s black raincoat and left their own. Both coats were hanging on the coat rack in the hallway. Rabbi Vine’s coat is a 40R and the coat that was left is a 42. Both are Ralph Lauren coats. Rabbi Vine’s coat had an umbrella in the pocket, which the person removed and left by the coat rack. His coat also has his name and phone number written into it — please call him to exchange!
If you are wearing a coat that is strangely too small for you, and the sleeves don’t reach down your arms — it’s probably not your coat. Please arrange the switch with Rabbi Vine.
Hodesh Tov!

I told him to target the doctors.

I’m surprised I haven’t written about this before. But I can’t find it, so here goes. If it is here somewhere, would someone notify me?

Thanks:).

Twice ISHI’s coat was taken from the shul coatroom. Since then, he’s careful to put his coat in his own study, at least in our shul. In our home, he’s more likely to lose things, unfortunately, but that’s another story.

No, it’s actually the same thing.

So the two times that his coat was taken many years ago, both times it was by doctors. And both times, they didn’t have a clue. One was told by his wife that

1. the coat was a different color
2. the coat didn’t fit!!!

He didn’t have a clue. He also was the same one, now that I think of it, who asked his wife what time they finished eating meat at our house, so he could think of when he could eat dairy again, (waiting to eat dairy 5-6 hours afterwards, according to kashrut).

We don’t serve meat at our house.

Frightening, eh?

The other time, the doctor who took the coat did not get stopped by his wife. He came back to shul and ISHI said to him incredulously, “Is that really your coat?”

He had no clue that it was

1. a different color
2. a totally different size!!!

Scary, eh?

So, is it that doctors are so busy focusing on their cases that they can’t be bothered with reality, or are they so burrowed in their doctordom that they have forgotten how to relate to reality?

They’re different, even if they don’t sound so much.

Is it that they are used to other people taking care of things for them that they forget how to pay attention? After all, they pay other people to do that for them. Literally.

Or is it the fact that they are men?

Need I say more?

Should I say more?

i think i should start talking more about marriage

So I’ll start with a poem and work my way up from there:

The Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor

Harmony in the Boudoir

by Mark Strand

After years of marriage, he stands at the foot of the bed and
tells his wife that she will never know him, that for everything
he says there is more that he does not say, that behind each
word he utters there is another word, and hundreds more be-
hind that one. All those unsaid words, he says, contain his true
self, which has been betrayed by the superficial self before her.
“So you see,” he says, kicking off his slippers, “I am more than
what I have led you to believe I am.” “Oh, you silly man,” says
his wife, “of course you are. I find that just thinking of you
having so many selves receding into nothingness is very excit-
ing. That you barely exist as you are couldn’t please me more.”

More to come–stay tooned!

pay no attention to the post behind the screen

For those of you who caught my post from last night and perhaps wanted to look back at it, you might have been surprised to see it’s not there.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, this is the first time I’ve had to take down a post. It was something that I worked on for a while, looking up things to link to, trying to figure out a problem. 843 words, granted a bit of it quotes from others. And I thought that I came up with a reasonable conclusion.

So why did I take it down? Was I wrong?

No.

So????

I quoted someone who was wrong to begin with, so everything that I built up my question about was wrong. It was the wrong conclusion, because it was the wrong question.

The good news is that I was right to begin with.

The bad news is that that doesn’t make me feel any better about spending a long time trying to figure something out that wasn’t necessary.

Well, chalk it up to experience.

Or something.

what’s the worse thing that has ever happened to you at a wedding?

We went to a wedding the other day. It’s the first one we’ve been to since my FIL died. ISHI was the mesader kiddushin (the rabbi in charge), so it was work for him. I wrote before here about how the wedding is a show and you better try to hide the seams. And this is true for all weddings. There is so much drama beforehand, and it’s best that it isn’t known or certainly seen by the audience. Yesterday’s wedding had much less drama than most, thank G-d.

There were some funny moments that we can share. After the chuppah and after they had exited the synagogue sanctuary, the very exuberant groom swooped up the bride and was ready to carry her up the stairs, down the hallway to the room to the yichud room. ISHI had to insist that would be a very bad idea. Not just that that isn’t what we Jews do, but man, save your strength!

Another odd little thing happened that I will share, too. Since ISHI was not supposed to be in the room with the music (not that he couldn’t hear it outside the ballroom oy vey what is wrong with people and how loud does it have to be before everyone has nerve damage and oh I forgot my earplugs?), they arranged for him to eat in the very nice anteroom, not in the kitchen, as one other person shared with him him. And it was a very nice little round table, not a cocktail table, but a tad larger. But it was set with two place settings. Romantically right next to each other.

When I saw this, I became a bit uncomfortable. Who in the world were they placing next to him? Who else was in the avelut period and was not supposed to be in the hall with the music celebrating? Well, I knew there was one other woman, but she had told us that she and her husband would be attending the chuppah and then leave right afterwards. There was another woman, but I didn’t think she cared to be sat out of the limelight.

And if it were a man, oh that was much too weird to contemplate!

I went into the ballroom with the other guests to sit at the table where I was assigned. I just didn’t want to think about it.

ISHI came in, looking for me. Uh oh. Something now was making me feel very uncomfortable.

“Remember that seat that they set up next to me?”

Um, yeah.

“They set it up for you! The head waitress came up to me and asked me where is your wife, and I told her that you had a seat inside. She thought for sure you’d want to sit next to me!”

I did.

I didn’t like sitting inside. I figured I’d play nice and do the first dance and then leave the room.

I felt so much better after that.

And that’s what I did. Once they pulled the bride over to the groom’s side for people to perform little shticklach for them, I left.

Oh, the title of this? It has nothing to do with that story, in case you were wondering. Earlier in the day, before the chuppah, I was exchanging stories of things that can and do go wrong at weddings, and how ISHI always knows to expect the unexpected. And I added how once we went to a wedding and someone died. And she added,

“I was about 5 years old and I went to a wedding where the ex-husband came with a gun and started shooting. My mother pulled my sister and me down under a table, like you see in a Western.”

Okay, you win.

did you hear me screaming just now?

I apologize to you all.

That means everyone except one person, the person to whom the screaming was directed.

Guess what ISHI just found?

Not the 15 animals, but the GPS.

Yup, it was on his desk. He claims he also found Captain Kidd’s buried treasure.

I can’t find the energy to laugh.

And I don’t think having the GPS again will help me find that.

 

the good things about my FIL’s death

Now that I’ve been fixating on the inability to have all good, at least I should take the opportunity to find the good, even in what is definitely a hard time, still during the week of shiva after my father-in-law’s death.

In no particular order, unless I say that it is…

1. It’s a really good excuse to give to telemarketers for ISHI not coming to the phone.
2. Also to shidduch inquirers and meshulachim. I must admit I perhaps enjoyed that a little too much, telling them all he couldn’t come to the phone.
3. Our son and DIL stayed for Shabbat and my father also came to be with all of us.
4. I can tell people I don’t want food because my freezers are already packed and that’s true. I can also tell some people that yes, I would love food for my kiddies and that turns out to be my 30 year olds and my father and that was great. Now what do I do with the food that people actually did bring and we won’t eat?
5. I can ask people to get me pomegranates so that I don’t have to worry about finding them (thank you, C!)
6. People have been mostly very thoughtful.
7. Someone brought pears and not just apples. ISHi doesn’t eat apples, along with many many other things.
8. I can leave the room because I have things to get ready for Rosh Hashanah. Like writing this.
9. We saw our kids all together.
10. The cousins were all together.
11. Everyone got along and there were no incidents, except for the fact that ISHI forgot to read his niece and nephews’ names at the funeral. I think. He was sure that he did.
12. the last one–it’s over. Baruch Dayan Emet. The cloud of uncertainty has lifted. We know that everything was done in the most respectful way for him and he maintained his dignity as much as possible. And he chose life, on his terms.

I just read Rabbi Marc Angel’s dvar Torah for this week and not surprisingly, it’s right on cue. I’ll quote a bit, but it’s not that much longer than this. You should definitely take a look, if you don’t subscribe already.

The three themes in the Musaf of Rosh Hashanah may be considered in light of the themes of separation and reunion. The first section describes God as King, the Being that has control over life and death. When we contemplate this image of God, we react with fear, with a sense of separation. We realize that we are not ultimately in control of our lives–God is. We feel awed by God’s power, we feel separated, even alienated.

The next theme, though, is “zikhronot”–God remembers. He acts with kindness. God is a compassionate Parent who is concerned with our lives. We are not forgotten or forsaken. Our lives are not random or anonymous. We are remembered, we are brought closer to God and to each other.

The third theme, “shofarot”, serves as a bridge between the poles of separation and reunion. The shofar reminds us of the akedah story, a symbol of separation, where a father was to sacrifice his beloved son. Abraham, alone with Isaac on a forsaken mountain, realizes that God is the ultimate king with control over life and death.

But the shofar is also reminiscent of the revelation at Mt. Sinai. At that time, the Israelites were crowded together, united, touching shoulders. There was reconciliation between the people and God.

Rosh Hashana reminds us of the root of our greatest sadness and our greatest happiness. Memories of past separations come to mind, memories that will never leave us and that we experience intensely. But we also experience reunion. We are together in the synagogue. Members of our family have returned; friends and neighbors have come together. We are glad.

For all of us with body image problems

–what we wish we had been told when we were younger.

I’m just going to send you here, but I won’t print it. It’s too good in the original, but you’ll have to pardon the language. Most worth it, though, even for me, the rebbetzin.

But I guess we can paraphrase for our kids/grandkids, can’t we?

They deserve that much.

But will they listen?

Did we?

a nice thing happened on the way from the market

I did my usual big shopping today at Costco for the program that I administrate. So Costco is a great place to go, especially since they try to cater to the kosher consumer. They’ve even improved how they do their check-out, with one guy working the register and another unloading and then reloading the carriage, with me frantically grabbing the things that I want to be bagged before they get caught in the big big cart.

At the same time, I try also to separate the few things that I buy for my house, putting them in bags in the back seat, leaving all the other things in the trunk for the program.

So with the sorting once I get to the car, I realized that I couldn’t find the bag of lettuce.

I look in the back seat; I look in the bags I’ve already put into the trunk.

Oh. It must have fallen out of the carriage. I’ll have to go back into the store and hope that I can make a good case and claim it.

Oh but what if they don’t believe me?

But this is Costco. They’re very nice people and they’re known for being good to their customers.

No, wait–is it that they’re known for being nice to their customers or to their employees?

Or is it both?

I know it’s to their employees. Oh now I’m starting to get anxious because I’m supposed to be meeting someone in a few hours and if I start to get caught into all the stuff inside, I’ll be late. I hate being late.

And if I go inside, the stuff in the car will start to go bad. I bought ice cream and that’s going to be bad news.

And now I’m feeling bad that I didn’t take a little longer to bring the bigger cold case with the ice packs, but I was supposed to be just going right home.

And I’m feeling all the anxieties rolling over me, and this is probably about one minute’s worth of thought.

And then I hear this guy at the end of the parking lot say,

“Hey, is this yours?”

And I look up and wouldn’t you know? There’s my lettuce!

“It might not be good anymore–you better check it.”

“Thanks! I was just about to go back into the store to find it!”

He didn’t have to know all the other thoughts racing around in my head.

take that in your pipe and smoke it